I was supposed to make a Facebook status update asking if anyone wants to hang out with me when I'm there to see my Grandmother on Friday.

It took me about 20 minutes before I took it down.

What it all comes down to is that even though I need to seek help before I am able to try new things/social situations, sometimes I guess I know better. I'm not going to socialize with people who don't like me or who want to see me to do me a favour. Anyone who still wanted to be my friend would still be my friend.

I've been thinking about something.

You know one of the biggest reasons why I gave up this blog? I could never be myself on it. That's a huge problem I'm dealing with these days. I'm going to use this defunct website to talk about it.

I used this page in high school. I would talk about how I was hanging out with the Lit kids, and then I would get messages saying that those people suck. Grade 12 was an extremely difficult year for me because I simply was not able to be myself in any capacity: I alienated my friends by trying to mingle with other people, but what I have discovered in the past year or so is that I was never really comfortable in either circle. I am still not comfortable in any social group. While I don't have that much social interaction anyways, I never feel like I can be genuine around anyone. I'm always too afraid to be honest about what I do, just like how I'm too afraid to actually confront someone if I feel slighted, and just like I'm too afraid to really be myself. It's because of this that things are hard for me now: I can't be honest with other people, so seeking help doesn't work because I'm too paranoid about people's perceptions to trust them enough to ask them to listen to me.

I know people who don't change the way they are regardless of the company they are in: they will talk exactly the same to everyone they meet and will always be completely honest about what they are doing. I can't do that. When someone asks who I hang out with, I can't be honest because I'm too scared of having someone say something to me. With friends and family, I am constantly letting people down, leading to endless anxious obsessions where they are saying "oh, he should be around more" or "oh, he let me down" or "oh, he's fickle/unreliable/a quitter". If I am not there, if I can't hang out or I'm not helping out around the house, please try to understand and don't pressure me. I cannot handle that.

I think I hate myself now more than ever because I resent the weakness of my own character. I want (and wanted) to be able to go anywhere and hang out with anyone I want(ed) without worrying about what the consequences would be. I want(ed) to be able to spend time with whoever I wanted to while still having my friends know that I am their friend. I want(ed) to not have to apologize for the things I do, or at the very least have to declare that oh, we're mutually at fault.

As much as I dislike myself now, I worry that I'm never going to be capable of living my life without being in a constant, unyielding state of anxiety about what other people think of me. I don't want to have people silently discussing me. I keep having this worry that if I ever get out of this cycle, people will try their very hardest to pull me back in. I think Grade 12 was the closest I've come to being out of this cycle, but it was probably better that I never got out: the "new people" were fake, their interest in me was passing and their respect for me did not exist. I still feel like no one respects me in the least bit, but it's exceedingly frustrating to make friends with people and have conversations mocking the cliched high school yearbook tendencies only to experience them yourself.

This is almost like writing the angry letter and then not mailing it. I don't think anyone is checking this anymore. If this is ever found, even if it is months from the date of posting, odds are that what I have said still rings very true. I'm not trying to pick a fight. I'm trying to be as honest as I can given my own insecurities. No one else seems to hesitate insulting me or discussing any grievance they have with me regardless of my feelings, so maybe this is the right move.

I've been at my lowest these past few months. My old blog was a cry for help or attention. I don't think I want either of those now. I'm not sure.

Turning off comments. I have email if this is ever found.

This is the end of this blog. It has run its course. I'm not any happier than I was when I first started this blog, and it's gotten to the point where I have run out of things to post or reasons for posting them.

From what I see, the point of a blog is to tell your friends how you're doing or to talk about your interests. I don't really have any interests, and I'm always doing the same way. I imagine that those of you who read this blog assume that my bad moods are going to resolve themselves so there is no need to see how I'm doing. I think mostly blog has been a cry for help this whole time, which is why I think it's pathetic to keep it up. My bad moods aren't resolving themselves, and writing them down no longer has any point or significance.

Thanks for reading.

Technology versus Blue

Feelin': Next line
Listenin': It's a Wonderful Life, Bandits of the Acoustic Revolution

I've lost contact with more people over the last few months than ever before. Because I'm so self-confident, I naturally assume it's all my fault. What I'm worried about is that I'm a bad friend, which would explain the current state of things. If I was a better friend would they have kept talking to me? Is being a better friend directly related to things in common or shared views or whatever?

After I'm done lamenting about people I've lost contact with, I worry that the friends I still have think little of me. I get mad at my Dad a lot for not thinking to make an effort with me, but I worry I do that with other people. I don't have a natural instinct to organize things (or do things) with people, because I'm uncomfortable or unhappy in 90% of social situations, even with those I consider to be very close friends. Someone once told me that I was a bad friend because friends are required to see each other on a regular basis and engage in socializing. I hope that just because I'm nervous and unhappy doesn't make people think I'm less of an alright person. I don't think of myself as an alright person, but it's important that other people do, apparently.

Dentists to Orthodontists: Leave Us Alone

Feelin': Guh
Listenin': YYZ, Rush

Captain Star is now on YouTube, and I think that's really great. Watch it.

Working is for Chumps, Study Finds

Feelin': I didn't pace myself enough. I'm on blogger on company time.
Listenin': Trippin' On a Hole in a Paper Heart, Stone Temple Pilots

Other people like Modest Mouse?

Horse, Technology Have Falling Out

Feelin': Earliest blog entry ever? You decide!
Listenin': Less Talk More Rokk, Freezepop

It's late. You know how I can tell it's late? I just tried to type "blogger" as my username.

Yeah, I'm reclusive now. What's it to you? Huh? Yeah. That's what I thought.

I have accomodated other people when they wanted to be reclusive so now I guess I'm expecting that same accomodation. I hope that's not selfish, if it is I'm sorry.

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I'm still waiting to hear about summer courses, and they start soon which is really bad. My hope now is to do courses through Carleton. Those start later in May but I think they go later. I'm bugging the English department guy a lot lately, sending him emails over every little problem I'm having. Even though it's his job to deal with nervous students, I still feel like I'm bothering him. I really hope I don't have to go see him in 4 hours, cause that would be not-so-great.

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Being reclusive makes me feel like I'm a bad friend. I always feel like a bad friend, because it seems that whenever I feel like I'm not a bad friend someone tells me that I am.

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It's been kind of a hard few days for me for some reason. Nothing is really any different, but it's just been hard. It's hard to deal with things as they come, and it's even harder to think that things are going to get better anytime soon. Now I'm sounding like a blog user.